I know no one will read this now,today.

But I'm at my lowest right now that i feel someone should die.I know it's just selfish of myself but either that person dies or myself. Somebody has to be pulling the trigger.

I'm honestly completely lost and I'm still in a state of numbness,every form of sadness will either be converted to a less than 5 minutes breakdowns or I'll put it all the way back in my head as a defense mechanism.I don't understand myself as to why I deliberately push behind my thoughts of sorrow and disappointment yet at the same time thinking and talking about it out loud like it's not affecting me. I feel so low. And nothing is right, I don't know the right person to be talking to, to turn to cause all I seem to be doing is mentally crossing out names as to whom do i want to disclose this really confusing state of mind i'm having.

I've gone beyond control to the extent that I gave multiple punches, the kind that makes a guy admit that it hurts, to Alif, and I'm sorry. But I felt the calmness as I clutch my fist into a massive punch.

Honestly, i just don't know what and how to feel to this emotion. I can't seem to describe it but it's synonymic to all the negative thought and feelings. Lately I've been drowning myself to pathetic cliche depressing songs, and I know it doesn't help but just the thought of knowing someone has or had gone through such a confusing phase actually made a song about it actually alleviate just the little percentage of my self-esteem.

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And I just slept through the night drafting whatever I wrote on top cause I was mentally and emotionally drained, and the heartbreak was at its finest. A sleep is a sleep. A heartache is a heartache. But sleeping with a heartache? I miss smiling in my sleep, in my thoughts, on my face.

I know,I'm just an ornament object in your life but I hope it'd make a difference.Thank you for appearing in my life. ♥